Did I buy for you flowers on Valentine and went to my knees as I give them to you? Do I constantly text you in the morning to find out how your night was? Do I show concern and affection, above the required levels, to you? Err… can you see love in my eyes when I look at you?
I do not know how to explain myself to you on matters of my heart. If you were any other lady, I would have quickly told you off in a sarcastic tone that love is for the birds. I wish there was a way to make you understand. A way to make you see the heaviness of my heart. The truth is, I would love to hold on, to fight on, and to care for you forever. But I have to let go. Maybe my heart was never meant to commit to somethings as blissful as romance. Maybe love is not for everybody and I am one of the unfortunates. Maybe we are too perfect for each other in a way that the heavens did not expect. All the same, here I am, trying to piece these numerous ‘maybes’ and explain the unexpected turn of events (not of hearts, because I can still feel our hearts beating).
In the middle of our conversations, you would unexpectedly text, ‘I love you’. Many times when I am unsure you would gentle squeeze my hands and encourage me to go forth. Our friendship is the best thing I have ever experienced. Deep down, I know I love you; it surprises me how deeply I do considering that I have always been shy of love. I love to see the spark in your eyes. I love how your smile curves. I love your audacity. I love your authenticity. I just love you, yet here I am wanting to call it quite even before it begins.
I know you will read this and maybe cry. I am sorry I cannot think of a softer way to convey the message. I know you will read this and hate me, forgetting the good times we have had, but your hate I can live with. I know you will read this and feel helpless.I also know that you will eventually overcome all, for I have tested and trusted your strength. May bitterness find no place in your heart when you finally get to the last full stop.
Love does not simply work for me. It is a weakness; it mires focus, disorders plans. Love confuses the mind and exposes the heart to pain. Love is a fantasy, a dangerously unrealistic world. You came to me from nowhere, made me discover an exciting part of me that I never imagined existed. I wish I could have you by my side as long as my heart beats, but the truth on the ground is, when my heart will stop (for long is not forever!) I shall have lost everything. Everything I am, everything I could be. Everything I could have done to humanity. Everything.
There is a greater course in life, or rather, the lives of some people. A course that demands absolute dedication. There are paths that require greater sacrifices. There are passions untamed, passions never to be mixed with madness of love. Exciting adventures to be enjoyed alone.
More words beyond this point will be meaningless. Simply put, love is a distraction I cannot stomach. However, if we can walk hands in hands at sunset and not label that as love, then I am in. If we can enjoy every moment of our lives acknowledging that it is not to ourselves do we belong but to Divinity, then I am in. I am in, if you promise to overcome the craziness of red dress and rose on Valentine. If you stop loving me, then I am in. Otherwise, goodbye.
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